The steady crumble

I missed a meeting last week. I can't lie, it's been a bit of a juggle lately. I've got three jobs on the go, each with their own calendar, and this one never made it across to mine. And because it was outside my usual working hours, I wasn't even looking for it.

They were really lovely about it and we rescheduled, so not the end of the world. But I still gave myself a hard time. I hate dropping balls. I hate the thought of looking disorganised, or like I don't value someone's time, because I really do.

And if I'm honest, it wasn't really about the calendar.

The creep had happened again. Things had been a bit off kilter for a while, but I was getting by, so I'd sort of accepted it. I'd stopped sticking to my boundaries. Someone needed a different time, so I moved things round. Then someone else did, and I moved things again. It felt like the helpful thing to do every time, but my working hours were slowly stretching out of shape. Which is how I ended up missing things, feeling fraught, and like I wasn't enough.

Then we put a house move on top of all that. Looking back, it's no wonder things started to give. It didn't all come toppling over. It was more of a steady crumble.

I'd love to say I did the sensible thing and asked for help. I didn't, not really. My husband has helped loads, but he always does. What actually made a difference was saying it out loud to him. I didn't ask him to fix anything. I admitted it was all a bit much.

And then help turned up anyway. My mum brought dinner round, which meant one less thing to think about at teatime. A friend offered to have the kids next time we're painting, so we don't spend the day feeling guilty about leaving them to it (and listening to them bicker).

Today, I nearly cancelled a coffee with a friend. It all felt too much, and it seemed easier to stay home and keep my head down. But I didn't. And I'm so glad, because it was time out to laugh and share, with someone who listened. I hadn't realised how much I needed that connection until I was sat there.

I think that's what I'd want to pass on. When things start to crumble, the instinct is to pull in, keep your head down and get through it on your own. I get it, I do it too. But hiding doesn't make any of it lighter. What helped me was saying it out loud, letting people in, and turning up for the coffee I nearly cancelled.

So if you're feeling the creep right now, it might be worth asking yourself two things. Where have my boundaries slipped? And who could I say it out loud to?

I'm still a work in progress on this one. But I'm keeping the catch ups.